The Cannon Repertoire

Thank You All.

Alongside the NHL’s official return to the ice, we here at The Cannon Report must say goodbye.  It has been an absolute pleasure to bring you episodes wrought with misinformation, foul language, unbridled opinion & audio drops that will hopefully remind you of us every time you watch The Big Lebowski.

Unfortunately, as things presently stand, I cannot continue to produce the show that I want to and it would be unfair to any of our fans and ourselves to just “throw something together” (believe it or not, it takes a lot of work to seem like you haven’t put any work into something).  Even though we put together an episode last weekend, it’s quality is so diminished that I have decided to not release it as I had intended.

My hope is to periodically bring you episodes when we can all get together and audio-sketches as often as I can so don’t stop following us on Facebook and Twitter.  I will continue to interact with everyone on Twitter and I intend to get back to blogging as well, although I don’t have any details about that suffice it to say, I will not be getting rid of our Tumblr page or Podbean page anytime soon.  I just can’t commit to school and the show from as far away from my friends and co-hosts as I am and believe me, this has been a hard decision to make.

Joe (@osujoe) will continue to dispense hockey knowledge and commentary on his new show and Chris (@one11studios, nevermind, he deleted it, apparently. “Nope. I don’t need no internet”) as well through his various projects.  Will (@thehouse19) won’t be able communicate very often as he is allowed only 15 minutes of internet time within the Ohio Penal System.  Our hearts are with the families of his many, many victims.  And don’t forget to follow my other Twitter persona @theFakeChuck if you enjoy humor that may someday be used against you in a court of law.

So in closing, stay with us on Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr (& if you have my phone number also via those great, drunken, late-night texts you will all occasionally receive and their subsequent daybreak apologies).

Thank you all for enjoying the show and hopefully we will smell you all sooner rather than later.

-Chuck

On the 103rd day of lockout, the Bettman gave to me…

Nothing.  Again.

Oh the wind, oh the chill, oh the ever-unforgiving emptiness of space in my head that hockey would normally be filling this time of year…

We here at The Cannon Report just wanted to help with that early evening lull that normally happens on Christmas Day and share with you all a little yuletide carol that has been handed down through the years from generation to generation…

Enjoy and we wish you all a merry Christmas, happy Chanukah, wonderful Festivus and a solemn, doxous-filled Xendjuvenozz to our Mars brothers.

I’m Dreaming of a Bright Nationwide

T’was the day before Christmas and all through the nation,
not a single arena erupted with fan’s excited vibrations.

For the NHL, as loved as they be,
decided that there would be no hockey, in 2012 or 13.

There would be no All-Star Game, no Classic, no Playoffs,
because the owners and players all acted like jack-offs.

“There are billions of dollars at stake!” was the reason,
for nuking, not for Nail, but the entire hockey season.

Bettman and Fehr would make such a clatter,
each claiming the other’s CBA would leave this league in tatters.

As the fans patiently waited for hockey’s return,
the extra money in their wallet causing their pockets to burn.

They’d spend it on other extravagant things,
like Football & basketball and MMA in the rings.

No, the money the league and players for would argue,
was quickly transferring to the pockets of Kobe Bryant & Troy Palamalu.

While all this went on there were lesser casualties, for a certain,
A few boys from Columbus stood patiently behind a curtain…

The Cannon Report’s mics were cold and their hard drives empty,
with no shows being uploaded their fans were calling them lazy.

“Make us laugh, you slags!” was the cry mostly heard,
“But we can’t” they returned “for without hockey facts, our shows would be turds!”

They watched as the season chipped away, week after week.
With only the Monsters and college, this Christmas season seemed bleak.

But rest assured dear fan of our show, most humble,
when hockey and we return, there will be quite a rumble!

The seats will refill, as will that nine dollar beer!
And the sounds of the game will ring in each and everyone’s ear!

And don’t forget us, The Report of the Cannon,
for we will survive this winter sport famine!

As your ears get filled with the sound of the ice, the hits and goal horn,
so too will our show return with talk of facts, hockey, booze and our love of triple-X porn.

So rest patiently, dear reader, dear fan, dear schmucks,
soon you will hear Joe’s drop scream “Man, that sucks!!!”

Only One Thing Could Bring the Angry Jacket Out of Retirement

And that is…

THE DRAFT LOTTERY RAGEFEST 2012!!!

So I’m just going to jump right in.  THE NHL IS A JOKE WHEN IT COMES TO DRAFT PICKS; I cannot say it any more plainly than that! 

I want to say it’s rigged, I really do.  I want to say that it’s all a Canadian conspiracy against the Blue Jackets but I’m not gonna…

Not yet.

Let’s look at the season as a whole so far.  Shannahan hits Wiz with a 12 game suspension, that killed the season right away.  Normally in sports the preseason doesn’t matter but Wiz was brand new to the team and learning a new system, that’s why he was playing.  Yes it was stupid of him to hit clutterbuck like that but COME ON SHANNAHAN YOU FUCK!  YOU DIDN’T EVEN COME CLOSE TO SUSPENDING ANYONE ELSE IN THE LEAGUE FOR THAT MANY GAMES! (except, of course, Jody Shelley around the same time), bang up job you cleft-lipped shit head.

Then there was the Clockgate scandal.  Giving LA 2 more points that they would need for their eventual playoff push.  And now the draft lottery, or as I am calling it The Steve Tambalenni Show.  Apparently his team is the only one that can win this fucking thing.  Any of 9 out of the 14 teams (I believe that is correct, if not Fuck You) could have won the lottery and we still would have gotten the number 1 pick but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, the House that Gretzky Built hasn’t done shit in so long that the NHL feels obligated to just hand them #1 picks for 3 years.

So, now I’ll say it’s rigged.

There are easy ways to fix this.  All they have to do is look at other pro sports leagues to figure this shit out.  It’s so hard to follow that they may as well call it the Obama Care Bill.  One of 2 things needs to happen for this shit to be done right; either do it like the NFL, where you pick based on your record: If you suck ass and finish last, you pick first and If you win the cup, you pick last. Easy as pie.  It is not complicated, AT ALL.  No Arguing, debating or bitching and at least that way, fans of shit teams have some form of hope of drafting Jesus, sorry, I mean Nail Yakupov.

If the NHL, or should I say Canadians, have trouble grasping the absolute fairness of that system, then let’s use a Lottery like the NBA uses (as does every American money lottery in the country).  Make it like the Mega Millions!  You get so many chances based on your record, ie: the shittier the record, the more balls in the machine.  You then pull out the balls 1 at a time until all the teams are picked.

Here’s where therealissue is, however: Do it LIVE!  You don’t just have some fat piece of shit pull cards from a pile that some asshat hand-picked and placed in envelopes so it looks like it’s legit. I’m not buying this shit for one second, and neither is anyone else. For fucks sake, THEY HAD CAMERAS IN EDMONTON LAST YEAR!  They knew this shit was going happen last year and this year was no different. 

I am deeply saddened by this blatant slap in the face to all of us behind the Union Blue.  I am actually ashamed to call myself a fan of the NHL and all of the built up excitement of the playoffs I had this year is now officially gone.  I could honestly give 2 shits as to who wins the cup this year.

I think the only hope we have of getting Nail at this point is if Tambalenni realizes that he doesn’t need scoring, he needs D. If that happens and he takes a D man instead of Nail, we will be happy but that just brings my rage back to Howson, and I can’t trust his stupidity to draft Nail, as he will probably trade the pick. But that’s a rant for another day, I’m tired and Pissy.

FUCK THE NHL.

The Angry Jacket is a reoccurring guest writer for The Cannon Report and his daily, very angry, angry opinions and commentary can be monitored closely (I’m talking to you law enforcement) at his Twitter account, @TheAngryJacket

(editor’s note: The views and opinions expressed in this angry rant are The Angry Jacket’s alone and are not necessarily shared by those of us here at The Cannon Report.  Not because we disagree, per sé, but more because he beat us too it.)

Confessions of an Angry Jacket (again)

Confessions Of An Angry Jacket

Article By Guest Blogger Frank Adams (@TheAngryJacket)
________________________________________________________

           I had high hopes this year when it came to the Jackets, I’ll admit. I thought we made some really good moves in picking up Carter and Wiz. I thought to myself, after the past few years of pain and agony watching this team, I really thought Howson finally “got it”. To be a winner, you have to spend money and bring in winners to play here. Well he certainly did that.

           I wasn’t all that happy with how much we gave Philly for Carter, I won’t lie. I have a close friend in Philly who is a diehard Flyers fan, who was absolutely tickled pink at the fact Carter was no longer their problem. This kind of bothered me. I mean, Carter is supposed to be a big time goal scorer right? “Surrrre, that’s what he is…” I blew him off. Then, he starts to tell me why Carter and Richards were both traded. Apparently, they were drinkin’ buddies that came in hung over one too many times and were distractions in the locker room. I have no proof of this, its only information being passed on to me from a Flyers’ season ticket holder, but let’s look at the facts. Philly not only traded away a pretty damn good center in Carter, BUT THEY TRADED AWAY THE CAPTAIN OF THE TEAM! When was the last time you have heard of that happening? I’m not saying it never happens, but it very rarely does. Ever heard of “if it’s too good to be true, it probably is”? On top of that, they just signed Carter to a ridiculous contract, with a no trade clause. Now, with that being said, was anyone really surprised when Carter was a no-show? I mean this guy pulled a fuckin’ Keyser Sosei (go watch “Usual Suspects”) and vanished! It took Howson, Arniel and Nash aka “The Three Blind Mice” to talk this clown into playing for us. The biggest issue with this, understanding both sides, with Howson trying to build a better team and what-not, and Philly trying to get rid of a problem (and screwing us in the process) WHY IN THE HELL WOULD YOU THINK A GUY WHO JUST SIGNED A 12 YR DEAL WITH A NO TRADE CLAUSE WOULD PLAY FOR YOU????? WE ARE NOT THE RED WINGS!!!!!!!! If we were, Carter (or anyone in their right mind for that matter) would be like “Oh …ok great I’m going to the playoffs every year with a legit shot at a cup EVERY YEAR.” Instead he gets traded to one of the worst teams in the West. People wonder why Carter isn’t producing. As far as Howson goes, why pick up someone who clearly hates life and doesn’t want to be here? I don’t get it. But what do I know, I’m just a guy behind a keyboard…

                My next issue is Wiz. I was all about picking him up. Big body guy who every time he lets one go I swear my house in Dayton rattles like an earthquake hit. LOVE IT!!! When he actually gets the shot off and doesn’t hand the puck to the other team in a fucking gift wrapped box with bows and shit on it resulting in an odd-man rush, which in turn results in a goal. He already needed work, but Shanahan has effectively turned Wiz into the Bumble from Rudolph with that suspension the beginning of the year, toothless and all. We now have a 6’-however many inch sleeve of wizard playing D (Borat) Yeah ok, so Arniel has said that Wiz is starting to “Get his growl” back. What the fuck does that mean? I thought we were playing hockey here, not running a fucking petting zoo. I don’t care if Wiz purrs like a kitten. I want him to be the big nasty D man we signed him to be. When assholes like Pietrangelo come into the zone, I want them so damn scared to go hard to the net that they apologize for even entering the zone. Now I’m not saying play dirty, I’m saying play hard. Wiz is not the only player that needs to step up on D. That goes out to everyone who puts on that fucking sweater in the locker room. TAKE A LESSON FROM DORSETT YOU PANSIES!!!!HAVE SOME PRIDE IN THE CREST YOU WEAR ON YOUR CHEST!!!!!

              I guess with all these acquisitions, trades, and what-not it all comes down to one thing. Leadership. You see it every day in all facets of life from little league up to the Board Room. For any kind of operation to be successful you have to have leaders step up to the plate and not only lead by example, but hold the people around them accountable. You can’t be a hypocrite. What I mean by that, is for Nash to be an effective Captain for this team, he needs to go out every shift of every game, playing full tilt 200%, “live for the shift” hockey. When was the last time you actually have seen Rick Nash give two shits on the back check? Go ahead, I’ll wait…

              Someone in the locker room needs to step up and give these guys a wakeup call. Whether it be Arniel or Howson (yeah right) we can’t leave everything up to Prospal as far as leadership goes. As much as I love that sweaty mess of a man, he’s gone after this year. Can you blame him? Hell, I was born in Columbus and I don’t think there is enough money in the world for me to stay and play with this team in this condition. OK…CLEARLY there is. All I’m saying is that I see more passion for this team from fans like my two young boys than I do from grown men being paid ridiculous amounts of money to play and represent Columbus Blue Jackets hockey.

              We love you Jackets, we really do. But this is your intervention. Get your shit together and do it fast, because I don’t want to support anyone else. Please don’t force me to wear a bag over my face like the old Detroit Lions fans BUT I’LL DO IT I SWEAR!!!!!

If you would like to be a guest blogger for The Cannon Report, send your submission to CannonReport@gmail.com

“Screw Mason, Make York Our Starter” -An Idiot

I woke up this morning (read: 1:30pm) to find a headline in my Facebook feed reading “It’s time for the Steve Mason experience to end in Columbus” and although I had no intention of writing today, I felt like I had to finally address this.

Mase is an incredible goalie who got a struggling franchise into the playoffs for the first and only time. He quickly became a beacon of hope and change in our city and represented the long-overdue upswing we as a hockey club were waiting for. The age of the Blue Jacket had begun and it was all thanks to a young goalie named Steve Mason!

Then he turned 21…

We have been watching in horror for 3 seasons now after our solitary post-season berth as Mason gets pulled time and again. “Sophomore slump” was our buzz word for the first year and “He just needs his confidence back” and “our defense is terrible” were our excuses for the second. This year we have nothing to say. We say a lot, but none of it means anything. The Jackets continue on their most expensive and worst record start in history and Mason is taking a lot of heat. Everyone is.

Two seasons alongside a veteran goalie who was supposed to give him that leadership that a young player needs didn’t work and now Garon is in Tampa Bay. We said his coach staff was holding him back so we traded in his long-time coach for a new guy, that also didn’t work. Mase is having the worst year of his career. We “fixed” the defense, and that isn’t working. There are a lot of issues with this team this season and Mason not being anything short of a brick wall is not low on the list.

It is absolutely ridiculous to think that ever shot Mason doesn’t save is a shot he shouldn’t have had to face. He’s been out there on his own a lot, but when you’re watching your team head into a shootout (that single OT loss we’ve had and all) you know all three are going in against.

We were losing so we changed coaches, that didn’t work. We were losing again so we changed the team, that didn’t work. We are now losing and losing bad. It’s a hard time to be a fan of the CBJs, especially after such a build up over the summer. We’ve won two games. In both of those games Mason was a phenom, his rookie prowess shining through in every movement. He shut down angles, he stared down shooters and most importantly, he didn’t let a fucking thing past him that the opposition didn’t work for. And when it was over, we as fans cheered til our voices were hoarse and our throats were sore.

Then he played Toronto. He had a bad game. Goalies have bad games. Ryan Miller, one of the best goalies in the world got pulled the night before, it happens. The problem here in Columbus is Mason has a bad game, we lose. We’re are not scoring and bringing the offense we need in Arniel’s “fast-paced, shot heavy, high pressure” system and Mason is taking heat for that. He can’t score goals, our forwards have to. We achieved one goal, one single solitary goddamn goal against Toronto. If Mase would have only given up two goals, which is a good game for a goalie, we still would have lost.  Our lack of offense, frankly, is letting Mason down (as well as working on losing Howson and Arniel their jobs).

So what do we do? Trade away a potentially incredible goalie? Hire a more expensive starter and have Mase back him up, humiliating him, humbling him and having quite possibly the most expensive back-up keeping the bench warm? Do we send him down to the AHL and if so who backs up the back up we are starting? And that raises the question, is Mason too far gone for us to recover him? Did our franchise kill a winner? Is a move the only answer?

This horrendous start caught everyone, fan, player and management alike, off guard. No one predicted this. Injuries, low-scoring, depth struggles, it’s a team-wide failure across the board, not Mason’s fault. He’s a part of the problem, not the only problem, in a franchise known for problems.

All we can do is hope Dekanich, Martinek, Carter and Huselius can all come back healthy and stay that way and then produce and then win and then win more. Until then, we have Mason. I don’t think getting rid of him is the answer but I know keeping him isn’t helping anything either. I want to see him succeed and I want him to succeed here.

This season is unfortunately over before it started, not that the playoffs are impossible but highly unlikely. It’s just another year of saying “we’ll get ‘em next year” or as I have come to think of it, another year of being a fan of the Columbus Blue Jackets.